Not every Christmas is all fun and games. A lot of people can feel like Christmas is the worst time of year. Every year I try to be optimistic that it’ll be alright and 99% of the time it’s just that, alright. Which is OK.
Please be warned that this does have a depiction of family arguing and is not jolly.
I remember trying to make amends, and thinking that everything was OK. I remember mum coming into my room for some reason and asked me why I was crying. I said that I was crying because what she called me. The next thing she said, and I’ll never forget, was “it’s because you are.” I was so shocked and hurt, I couldn’t believe it.
I remember thinking, “right, this is it. There’s no going back from this. This is the fight that’s going to break us forever. The night went on and it has gone int a blur in my memory. I do, however, remember that we had truly made up by the time we all went to bed.
I don’t want you going away thinking my mum was a bad person because she wasn’t. She was a human being with human emotions. We all say things in the heat of the moment we know will hurt the other person. We all have arguments with the people we love. In my later teens and early twenties, my mum and I became inseparably close. That is why I can write this and not feel anger anymore.
You might say that any reasonable person would have chosen last year, Christmas 2016. This was the first Christmas since mum died. It was the first Christmas without stressing over buying her something. Knowing that if she didn’t like it, it was bin or charity shop. It was the first Christmas she wasn’t in her armchair with a coffee and a cigarette, watching us open her presents. Every year I could guarantee socks, pants, pyjamas. None of that last year.
The reason I didn’t choose that as my worst Christmas is that it wasn’t. As Christmas’s go, it was actually quite mundane. I did the crying, the wishing, and the “this time last years” already. The Christmas I chose was much worse. I genuinely believed that my mum didn’t love me and that we would never get back from this fight. Last Christmas I knew that when she went, we were at our closest.
I hope this year that we’ll all have a Christmas we can remember for the right reasons.
See you next time!